Although I had no small amount of hesitation regarding my wife's desire to have her own private profile on a swinger site, I figured the best strategy was just to jump on board and instigate her creating one. This at least gave me an illusion of some sense of control. It was an extraordinary experience, helping my wife create her own single female profile as a HotWife. She asked me to help her language who she was, what she wanted, and who might interest her, so I did my best to assist her in this task. I was quickly blown away to see that some of my assumptions were incorrect. One of my many suggestions was to state that she does not play on the first date. I was stunned when she said that's not going to be always true. I also suggested that she stated that condoms will always be required. She also informed me that that is not always going to be the case either. I had mentioned before that that was not a bridge we have ever crossed. I had to remind myself that there were no rules, limits or restrictions as to how she gets to play.
So, any illusions that I had any control very quickly dissipated. Her profile picture is her wearing nothing but BBC panties as the main photo. No confusion there. She also wrote about her reason to doing this as a HotWife is because she loves it. She freely stated she was looking forward to having fun with some of the men on the site. It was surprisingly straightforward and clear, and completely unapologetic. I have to give her credit, she is fully going about this in an extremely empowered way.
I felt a further lack of control in all of this, when she paid in advance for a full year subscription, and refused to let me pay for it. So it's all HER site. I don't know why, but it would've made me feel better if at least I paid for it. I now have nothing to do with it whatsoever, it's all hers. A month to month subscription would have felt a little safer too, but I guess she intends this to be a long term project now.
She posted this Wednesday night, and she (we?) have not looked at it yet. She just had a crazy few days at school, and I've been a walking zombie since I did a ******* donation earlier that day. She let me know at dinner tonight that there were 22 messages and 177 notifications waiting for her to open and look at. Honestly, I have so many mixed feelings about this. This really is off the hook crazy. I guess I'm about to watch her decide which of these men she wants to date and have sex with. I'm going to watch her communicate with those that interest her. I have no say in any of this. I'm stimulated, but burdened with a strong sense of dread. I guess that's the nature of this thing, but it's really more powerful in reality when it's actually happening to you.
The thing that will hopefully continue to offset the difficulty of all of this for me, is the joy that I saw in her Wednesday night when I encouraged her to start her solo profile on the site. She really lit up. She got giddy. She got horny. She got very happy and very excited. That was wonderful. She then let me know that she never really got to date. Her tragic childhood of having been abused, led to a never ending series of multiple traumas and multiple tragedies and a few really bad relationships. So the emotional part of me that loves her is hoping this is all a corrective experience in a sense. That however, may all go out the window once the wanton sex part kicks in. Either way, this is both more entertaining and fascinating than anything we're currently watching on Netflix. I guess I'll just have to wait and see does it turn out to be a comedy, an action adventure, film, or a horror flick.
She's finishing up some homework as I type this, and I think she's going to involve me in checking out her Messages on her new site for the first time after she's done. I don't know what part of my lightheadedness is from this activity, or from the ******* donation. Either way, I'm completely whacked.