For context, I'm very happily married to a wonderful man who happens to be a cuckold. How did I become so lucky? Because many years ago I advertised for a cuckold man to date and voila! My husband showed up. He is entirely monogamous with me….and I am not. I am consensually non-monogamous. This dynamic is the basis of our core agreement with each other.
In the beginning, we did the typical threesome thing on occasion. As we slipped into the global pandemic, we started talking about how much we wanted MORE in our life. Poly relationships offer more love, more companionship, more friendship, and yes, more sex. We have some poly friends and started exploring the idea of a genuine love relationship beyond our marriage. We BOTH decided to pursue finding a quality third to add to our marriage.
I'm beyond the 20 something "hook-up" culture and do not find casual sex hook-ups to be nearly as alluring as they were in my 20's.
I want connection, friendship, and skillful communication.
Now I have a strong preference for a man of color. My first love was black, and I've always loved black men. I'm not a fetishist that fantasizes about black men, but I have dated them since my very first dating experience, and it's a personal preference.
I'm a big fan of Esther Perel, a psychologist and relationship expert. She builds and an iron-clad case of why relationships can be SO problematic:
as she states, ALL HUMANS, both men, and women have competing needs in a relationship: on the one hand, we have a need for safety, security, predictability in our relationships. On the other hand, we also need adventure, experimentation, and excitement.
These two needs are very primal and in conflict with each other. Although everyone has both, often one partner has a dominant need for safety and predictability, and the other partner has a predominant need for adventure and experimentation. I believe polyamory can be one way to resolve these competing needs.
I'm not advocating that everyone should be poly. Polyamory requires very emotionally secure people, a high level of emotional intelligence, and the ability to communicate openly, honestly, and transparently. It is not suitable for everyone!
Polyamory is the hip alternative to the traditional format of loving relationships between men and women and same-sex couples.
I believe polyamory will be much more prevalent in the future, and more people will favor non-monogamous relationships. The simple reason is that it is one way we can address the conflicting needs for both safety and adventure can be addressed in a loving relationship.
It turns out that even now, only a tiny percentage of people are truly monogamous. Look around you at how many people divorce and then start new relationships. We have almost a 50% divorce rate, and on top of that, another 28% admit to cheating.
Any system that has a 78% failure rate needs to build a new paradigm.
In a polyamorous relationship, people can have more than one romantic partner. Everybody knows about each other's existence and agrees to their own "ground rules" It's not all about sex; it's about the ability to love several partners and recognizing that we have these conflicting needs. Poly is a way to address them in a healthy and non-damaging way.
On the one hand, this kind of relationship seems like paradise – people are sincere, happy, and loved. On the other hand, this idea runs counter to the established ethical values set for monogamous marriage. There are issues to work out, but here are the main advantages:
Honesty and transparency. Transparency and honesty are two main pillars of polyamory. I may have whatever partner I want in our marriage, and we communicate very openly about it.
In truly polyamorous throuples, partners feel free to talk about each other and other partners, their relationship in general. My husband is terrific friends with my other lover. They don't conceal their emotions, and we don't feel guilty saying "I love you" to more than one person.
Diversity. Remember the inherent conflicting needs, as most marriages fall apart either because of infidelity or boredom. Polyamory excludes these two reasons. The variety it provides prevents partners from drowning in the daily grind, while the first drive to monopolize your partner's body and the idea of cheating seems quite ridiculous. People practicing polyamory may be less prone to jealousy, as they remain emotionally connected with their partners and more willing to discuss issues when they come up.
Emotional satisfaction. Sometimes, you may not get enough emotional closeness from your partner either because they have limitations or just the realities of busy day-to-day life. The care and nurturing of multiple partners require both intention and ability. Most people that get angry and annoyed respond by changing out their partner. In poly relationships, you can satisfy your need for emotions with another partner. For example, if one of your partners is a homebody, calm and careful. This partner can fill your need for safety and security. Perhaps another one of your partners is the opposite of the first one. With this person, you feel adventurous. In my case, my boyfriend loves to dance, and my husband wouldn't be caught dead dancing.
Sexual diversity. Sexual variety is the most obvious and most talked about benefit.
For instance, you like different things about sex. And you get all of them with several lovers. One of your partners enjoys tender and sensual sex, while another one is a fan of experiments and various sexual tools.
Overcoming jealousy. It's not true polyamorous partners don't feel jealous at all. They often do at the beginning of their relationship. However, they are open enough to talk about their jealousy with their partner and deal with this fear. There is never-ending practice on honesty and good communication.
If you find finding a solution to your conflicting needs, talk about polyamory with your partner. You may be surprised and delighted!
