I have wanted to write this article for a long time. Finally I psyched myself into writing it.
I am hoping to stimulate some discussion. I have no objection to the moderators moving this article to any thread where they deem more appropriate.
.....Angelyn, you write so well and descriptively; I rarely ever have a problem understanding where you're coming from with your posts. This topic really is interesting, and it hits an age group that has the same general questions as you do; myself included, as I'm now 43.
What I might encourage you to do, even as you get more comments from the members, is to seek out a professional for a general analysis of your thoughts and concerns. And, I'd further encourage you to
use a copy of THIS thread, with your many personal & members comments to do this, rather than go sit in front of a psychiatrist/psychologist or other professional, as we tend to hold back or forget important aspects when verbally communicating directly ... something always gets lost in transmittance. Also, you might tend to want to hold BACK some parts of this discussion, and you really shouldn't ... its important that the doctor get your true reflections of your concerns. I'd seek out a highly qualified/highly recommended professional to do just that. I honestly think you'll gain a ton of benefit from it.
.....That said, I don't think you have anything unusual going on; our brains/thoughts take all kinds of dips & turns as we get older. What your experiencing now will simply intensify with age. My grandmother (91 now) suddenly started bringing up my musical background by asking me to come play my guitar for her, which I can't since she's in a nursing home now. But still, she has only seen me play my guitar twice in her entire life, and never has she complimented it or ask that I play for her until just recently. Out of nowhere she asks me on the phone if I'd come play my guitar for her as she loved hearing me play. Strange!
.....Things that you've mentioned in your comments that I think are relavent to your concerns ... I honestly think you're desiring a male relationship of lust & passion, and to find your soul mate. You need to let this happen NOW ... there's nothing emotionally comparable to experiencing true passion and love ... it can be most awarding, and most painful, but it IS something that the human needs to experience. You have an unfilled NEED and your mind and body is yelling at you to let go and experience it. At some point in all our lives, we need to
"take that road less traveled" if for no other reason than to see where it takes you. Your mind & body wants that change to happen, I'm fairly sure. Oh, and YES, we men are visual creatures BUT we go through the changes you're mentioning, except it seems we go through them in reverse, if that makes sense. I do know my porn preferences have intensified over the years ... takes a lot more graphic visuals to turn me on as it did 10-20 years ago for sure. Some things that I'd be almost ashamed to let my wife (of 22 years) see.
.....You mentioned the videos; I had a few of those bukkake videos, etc and the "cougar" in older women. Men have the same types of thoughts & desires, but we're referred to as pedophiles when a man in his 40's desires a much younger lady. Female grade-school teachers often get away with nothing but a handslap when they have a little fling with a high school student, etc ... not the men, we go TO JAIL ... lol
Anyways, I hope you'll continue providing your own thoughts to this thread, AND I hope you'll consider taking what you've posted and handing it to an experienced professional who can provide you the comfort of knowing you're not as warped as you think you are.
We only go around ONCE ... don't miss the opportunities when they pop up. And by all means, experience love & passion with someone. Find your soulmate .... that person is out there, somewhere, probably looking for you.