I agree. Our sexuality starts to develop at an early stage. Modern psychology can confirm that. Already Freud wrote about children and sexuality.
Does sexual behaviour reveal persons personality?
- Thread starter MOGAMBO
- Start date
I fee quite sure that is does. Criminal profilers say that personality reflects everything we do, including the way we commit crimes.
I don't believe there's a connection between the two.
I certainly believe
I found this in a newspaper. It speaks for your theory:
"An interesting correlation is found between women who like hardcore porn and certain personality traits, Ogar explains.
“Women who like hardcore porn tend to be more aggressive, more socially assertive and more comfortable taking risks. They are comfortable playing both roles sexually, they like being dominated and being submissive.""
"An interesting correlation is found between women who like hardcore porn and certain personality traits, Ogar explains.
“Women who like hardcore porn tend to be more aggressive, more socially assertive and more comfortable taking risks. They are comfortable playing both roles sexually, they like being dominated and being submissive.""
I would say this is absolutely true. Describes my wife to a tee.
I’ve found that to be so true
I am glad that you agree, Forest. You have many good posts.
People who are interested in interracial sex are normally open minded, according to psychologists.
Sexual behavior belongs to our personality. It could be hide and we don't know about this part of our personality. And then one day you discover this part of your own...
D
Deleted125623
Guest
Psychopathy: the character trait that predicts risky sexual behavior and hypersexuality in both males and females
Dr Raj Persaud and Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm
The Huffington Post
Mon, 10 Sep 2012 12:28 UTC
Sexual coercion is a mark for both male and female psychopaths. Painting above: Frederic Leighton - The Fisherman and the Syren - c.1856-1858
In one of the largest studies of its kind ever published, US psychologists have found a particular aspect of personality in men and women, predicts what the researchers refer to as 'hypersexuality'.
The 'hypersexual' have more sexual partners than the rest of the population, fantasise more about others than their current partner, and tend to favour more sex without love. They take greater pleasure in casual sex with different partners, and don't need attachment to enjoy lovemaking.
Hypersexuality was found strongly linked with a particular aspect of personality.
Another especially intriguing aspect of this research, conducted on 482 people aged 17-56 years old, was that this personality feature applied equally to both men and women, in predicting hypersexuality.
Psychologists are beginning to concur that it's this unique element of character which most powerfully predicts higher numbers of different sexual partners, as well as impulsive one night stands, and a gamut of risky sexual behaviours.
This character trait is - Psychopathy.
psychopaths. Painting above: Frederic Leighton - The Fisherman and the Syren - c.1856-1858In one of the largest studies of its kind ever published, US psychologists have found a particular aspect of personality in men and women, predicts what the researchers refer to as 'hypersexuality'.
The 'hypersexual' have more sexual partners than the rest of the population, fantasise more about others than their current partner, and tend to favour more sex without love. They take greater pleasure in casual sex with different partners, and don't need attachment to enjoy lovemaking.
Hypersexuality was found strongly linked with a particular aspect of personality.
Another especially intriguing aspect of this research, conducted on 482 people aged 17-56 years old, was that this personality feature applied equally to both men and women, in predicting hypersexuality.
Psychologists are beginning to concur that it's this unique element of character which most powerfully predicts higher numbers of different sexual partners, as well as impulsive one night stands, and a gamut of risky sexual behaviours.
This character trait is - Psychopathy.
Psychopaths are linked in the popular imagination with criminals and sex offenders, but psychologists Rebecca Kastner and Martin Sellbom from the University of Alabama, who conducted this study, entitled, 'Hypersexuality in college students: The role of psychopathy', emphasise they were studying features of psychopathy which are more common in the general population than may be realised.
Sexual behaviour is not linked to personality per say more psychopathetic in nature. If it was then 3/4 of the women every day would be in serious sexual trouble with the male population.
Psychologists believe everyone falls somewhere along the spectrum of psychopathy, and have more or less of these traits. It would seem the more aspects of psychopathy are reflected in a person's character, the more they embrace 'hypersexuality'.
The psychopathic personality is characterised by a callous and manipulative approach to others, lack of remorse, plus deceit all covered up by superficial charm. Not a particularly alluring package at first glance, so psychologists have been probing deeper inside the psychopath's mind, unlocking the secret of their success in the bedroom.
Rebecca Kastner and Martin Sellbom found from their study, just published in the academic journal Personality and Individual Differences, that it's the 'Fearless-Dominance' aspect of psychopathy, combined with the 'Impulsive-Antisocial' element, which actually explains why psychopaths dominate the medal tables in the sexual Olympics.
Fearlessness and dominance means psychopaths appear charming, grandiose, risk-taking with little regard for consequences, combined with absence of anxiety. They don't anticipate and aren't bothered by performance failure - which is a consideration that appears to put the rest of us off being too hypersexual. These factors can also be positively associated with a hard work ethic, even heroism, confidence and achievement; all characteristics that women value in a male partner.
Kastner and Sellbom also contend it's the relative immunity from stress and fearlessness of psychopaths, which explains why they are less inhibited than the rest of us. As a result, they seek thrilling, dangerous, and otherwise anxiety provoking sexual situations.
Psychologists argue its the 'impulsive-antisocial' element of their character which ensures they use others ruthlessly for their own gain. This exploitative social style helps generate the higher number of sex partners and short-term mating. Impulsivity means as well they act on possible reward (i.e., sex) without considering the consequences. They also disregard social norms and standards (e.g., one shall not be promiscuous, break the law, etc.).
One theory is that male and female psychopaths end up hypersexual through different routes via contrasts in personality - it's the antisocial aspect in men, but instead the impulsive thrill seeking in women.
Psychologist David Kosson and colleagues from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found in their research that of more psychopathic individuals, 58% report using flattery, 40% argument and 40% exploitation of an intoxicated person, to achieve sex. These figures from this study, entitled 'Psychopathy-Related Traits Predict Self-Reported Sexual Aggression Among College Men', and published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, were about twice higher than in the non-psychopathic.
Luna Muñoz and colleagues from the University of Central Lancashire researched sexually coercive tactics after being turned down by a partner, including sexual arousal and touching; emotional manipulation; exploiting by *******; and physical *******. The study entitled, 'Sexually Coercive Tactics Used by University Students: A Clear Role for Primary Psychopathy', and published in the Journal of Personality Disorders, found men and women rated high on psychopathy were more likely to be sexually coercive.
Based on our clinical experience, we find psychopathic women are more likely than others to engage in sexual coercion, when they encounter conflict in their relationship. Clashes, in their minds, are solved by sex. Perhaps psychopathic women view sex as a tool for manipulating others and achieving what they want, whilst psychopathic men favour deceitful emotional engagement.
One of Dr Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm's clients described (she reports this with his permission) an attempt to leave the marital home after announcing his intention to divorce, following years of mistreatment, betrayal and abuse. While standing in the corridor, he witnessed his wife undressing and suggesting sex.
Research has found psychopaths are also more interested in violent, coercive, and sadistic sex, so this insight might unlock one of the secrets to the success of the best-selling novel 50 Shades of Grey, where sado-masochistic coupling appears to be part of the appeal of this publishing phenomenon.
But this latest study reveals that any medal winning sexual athlete has to be more psychopathic than we had realised before.
So does the best-selling novel Fifty Shades of Grey, with its sado-masochistic themes, expose that deep in the recesses of all our personalities, is a sneaking admiration for psychopathic success in the bedroom?
Dr Raj Persaud and Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm
The Huffington Post
Mon, 10 Sep 2012 12:28 UTC
Sexual coercion is a mark for both male and female psychopaths. Painting above: Frederic Leighton - The Fisherman and the Syren - c.1856-1858
In one of the largest studies of its kind ever published, US psychologists have found a particular aspect of personality in men and women, predicts what the researchers refer to as 'hypersexuality'.
The 'hypersexual' have more sexual partners than the rest of the population, fantasise more about others than their current partner, and tend to favour more sex without love. They take greater pleasure in casual sex with different partners, and don't need attachment to enjoy lovemaking.
Hypersexuality was found strongly linked with a particular aspect of personality.
Another especially intriguing aspect of this research, conducted on 482 people aged 17-56 years old, was that this personality feature applied equally to both men and women, in predicting hypersexuality.
Psychologists are beginning to concur that it's this unique element of character which most powerfully predicts higher numbers of different sexual partners, as well as impulsive one night stands, and a gamut of risky sexual behaviours.
This character trait is - Psychopathy.
psychopaths. Painting above: Frederic Leighton - The Fisherman and the Syren - c.1856-1858In one of the largest studies of its kind ever published, US psychologists have found a particular aspect of personality in men and women, predicts what the researchers refer to as 'hypersexuality'.
The 'hypersexual' have more sexual partners than the rest of the population, fantasise more about others than their current partner, and tend to favour more sex without love. They take greater pleasure in casual sex with different partners, and don't need attachment to enjoy lovemaking.
Hypersexuality was found strongly linked with a particular aspect of personality.
Another especially intriguing aspect of this research, conducted on 482 people aged 17-56 years old, was that this personality feature applied equally to both men and women, in predicting hypersexuality.
Psychologists are beginning to concur that it's this unique element of character which most powerfully predicts higher numbers of different sexual partners, as well as impulsive one night stands, and a gamut of risky sexual behaviours.
This character trait is - Psychopathy.
Psychopaths are linked in the popular imagination with criminals and sex offenders, but psychologists Rebecca Kastner and Martin Sellbom from the University of Alabama, who conducted this study, entitled, 'Hypersexuality in college students: The role of psychopathy', emphasise they were studying features of psychopathy which are more common in the general population than may be realised.
Sexual behaviour is not linked to personality per say more psychopathetic in nature. If it was then 3/4 of the women every day would be in serious sexual trouble with the male population.
Psychologists believe everyone falls somewhere along the spectrum of psychopathy, and have more or less of these traits. It would seem the more aspects of psychopathy are reflected in a person's character, the more they embrace 'hypersexuality'.
The psychopathic personality is characterised by a callous and manipulative approach to others, lack of remorse, plus deceit all covered up by superficial charm. Not a particularly alluring package at first glance, so psychologists have been probing deeper inside the psychopath's mind, unlocking the secret of their success in the bedroom.
Rebecca Kastner and Martin Sellbom found from their study, just published in the academic journal Personality and Individual Differences, that it's the 'Fearless-Dominance' aspect of psychopathy, combined with the 'Impulsive-Antisocial' element, which actually explains why psychopaths dominate the medal tables in the sexual Olympics.
Fearlessness and dominance means psychopaths appear charming, grandiose, risk-taking with little regard for consequences, combined with absence of anxiety. They don't anticipate and aren't bothered by performance failure - which is a consideration that appears to put the rest of us off being too hypersexual. These factors can also be positively associated with a hard work ethic, even heroism, confidence and achievement; all characteristics that women value in a male partner.
Kastner and Sellbom also contend it's the relative immunity from stress and fearlessness of psychopaths, which explains why they are less inhibited than the rest of us. As a result, they seek thrilling, dangerous, and otherwise anxiety provoking sexual situations.
Psychologists argue its the 'impulsive-antisocial' element of their character which ensures they use others ruthlessly for their own gain. This exploitative social style helps generate the higher number of sex partners and short-term mating. Impulsivity means as well they act on possible reward (i.e., sex) without considering the consequences. They also disregard social norms and standards (e.g., one shall not be promiscuous, break the law, etc.).
One theory is that male and female psychopaths end up hypersexual through different routes via contrasts in personality - it's the antisocial aspect in men, but instead the impulsive thrill seeking in women.
Psychologist David Kosson and colleagues from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found in their research that of more psychopathic individuals, 58% report using flattery, 40% argument and 40% exploitation of an intoxicated person, to achieve sex. These figures from this study, entitled 'Psychopathy-Related Traits Predict Self-Reported Sexual Aggression Among College Men', and published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, were about twice higher than in the non-psychopathic.
Luna Muñoz and colleagues from the University of Central Lancashire researched sexually coercive tactics after being turned down by a partner, including sexual arousal and touching; emotional manipulation; exploiting by *******; and physical *******. The study entitled, 'Sexually Coercive Tactics Used by University Students: A Clear Role for Primary Psychopathy', and published in the Journal of Personality Disorders, found men and women rated high on psychopathy were more likely to be sexually coercive.
Based on our clinical experience, we find psychopathic women are more likely than others to engage in sexual coercion, when they encounter conflict in their relationship. Clashes, in their minds, are solved by sex. Perhaps psychopathic women view sex as a tool for manipulating others and achieving what they want, whilst psychopathic men favour deceitful emotional engagement.
One of Dr Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm's clients described (she reports this with his permission) an attempt to leave the marital home after announcing his intention to divorce, following years of mistreatment, betrayal and abuse. While standing in the corridor, he witnessed his wife undressing and suggesting sex.
Research has found psychopaths are also more interested in violent, coercive, and sadistic sex, so this insight might unlock one of the secrets to the success of the best-selling novel 50 Shades of Grey, where sado-masochistic coupling appears to be part of the appeal of this publishing phenomenon.
But this latest study reveals that any medal winning sexual athlete has to be more psychopathic than we had realised before.
So does the best-selling novel Fifty Shades of Grey, with its sado-masochistic themes, expose that deep in the recesses of all our personalities, is a sneaking admiration for psychopathic success in the bedroom?
D
Deleted125623
Guest
There is a fundamental distinction is between personality and behaviour. The word “personality” has many common uses and many definitions. So what doers it mean? Essentially, personality is taken to mean a mix of values, world-views, set responses and characteristics which are relatively enduring aspects of the person.
What Is Personality?
Personality is taken to be what we are while behaviour is what we do. We cannot change what we are but we can change what we do – for short periods of time at least. The ability to change behaviour is at the root of the concept of management style.
As Robin Stuart-Kotze says,
“… it has been maintained … that personality becomes virtually fixed at about age five. Current research indicates that we are more flexible than that but that changing one’s attitudes, values, beliefs and aspirations – the substance of personality – is difficult”
What is Behaviour?
Behaviour, on the other hand, is what we do. While much of our behaviour (see Theory X and Theory Y) is of course the result of our values and beliefs, it is much easier to behave differently (if only for a short while) than to change beliefs. Moreover, if we try out different behaviours – different ways of doing things – and find that they are a success, this in itself may cause us to change even deeply held views and values.
The word “personality” is used in everyday language quite differently from the way that the behavioural scientist uses it. People talk about other people as having a nice personality, a cheerful personality or even as having lots of personality. Sometimes people are said to have no personality. The word, in everyday speech, tends to have an evaluative meaning and refers to the degree to which we are attracted, repelled or bored by another person. This is not the way that the effective manager or behavioural scientist uses the word.
Predictability
There is no single accepted definition of the word “personality”. However, a very good one is that given by Wright,
“the relatively stable and enduring aspects of individuals which distinguish them from other people and form the basis of our predictions concerning their future behaviour.”
The last point is the most important. Since we seek predictability, we seek to learn those things about our fellow beings that will enable us to predict what they will do – in given situations. The better we know them, the more likely we are to be able to make such a prediction. Personality, in this sense, is not about social skills. It is not about evaluation. It is about seeking those aspects of a person which can be said to account for their behaviour and predict it in the future.
Some researchers hold that personality becomes fixed by age 5. This is most unlikely and current research indicates that our attitudes, belief systems and aspirations – components of personality – while difficult to change, continue to adapt during life. However, if the word “personality” means anything, it must refer to those more stable motivations to our actions.
Why is an Understanding of the Difference So Important
Well self-awareness in terms of preferred behaviours is the fundamental facet of all exceptional leaders. If you know what your preferred behaviours are then you can adapt and change these depending on the situation and the individuals
What Is Personality?
Personality is taken to be what we are while behaviour is what we do. We cannot change what we are but we can change what we do – for short periods of time at least. The ability to change behaviour is at the root of the concept of management style.
As Robin Stuart-Kotze says,
“… it has been maintained … that personality becomes virtually fixed at about age five. Current research indicates that we are more flexible than that but that changing one’s attitudes, values, beliefs and aspirations – the substance of personality – is difficult”
What is Behaviour?
Behaviour, on the other hand, is what we do. While much of our behaviour (see Theory X and Theory Y) is of course the result of our values and beliefs, it is much easier to behave differently (if only for a short while) than to change beliefs. Moreover, if we try out different behaviours – different ways of doing things – and find that they are a success, this in itself may cause us to change even deeply held views and values.
The word “personality” is used in everyday language quite differently from the way that the behavioural scientist uses it. People talk about other people as having a nice personality, a cheerful personality or even as having lots of personality. Sometimes people are said to have no personality. The word, in everyday speech, tends to have an evaluative meaning and refers to the degree to which we are attracted, repelled or bored by another person. This is not the way that the effective manager or behavioural scientist uses the word.
Predictability
There is no single accepted definition of the word “personality”. However, a very good one is that given by Wright,
“the relatively stable and enduring aspects of individuals which distinguish them from other people and form the basis of our predictions concerning their future behaviour.”
The last point is the most important. Since we seek predictability, we seek to learn those things about our fellow beings that will enable us to predict what they will do – in given situations. The better we know them, the more likely we are to be able to make such a prediction. Personality, in this sense, is not about social skills. It is not about evaluation. It is about seeking those aspects of a person which can be said to account for their behaviour and predict it in the future.
Some researchers hold that personality becomes fixed by age 5. This is most unlikely and current research indicates that our attitudes, belief systems and aspirations – components of personality – while difficult to change, continue to adapt during life. However, if the word “personality” means anything, it must refer to those more stable motivations to our actions.
Why is an Understanding of the Difference So Important
Well self-awareness in terms of preferred behaviours is the fundamental facet of all exceptional leaders. If you know what your preferred behaviours are then you can adapt and change these depending on the situation and the individuals
D
Deleted125623
Guest
Polyamory and Sex Addiction
What's the difference between healthy polyamory and sex addiction?
Posted Apr 11, 2011
Thelma first sought my advice on informational resources about polyamory because a year or so into their relationship, her boyfriend had come out to her as polyamorous, and she wanted to learn more about it. "I am not polyamorous," she told me. "I have enough difficulty with one relationship at a time, and I would go completely ******* in a number of simultaneous relationships. But I'm in love with him, and he wants polyamory, so I'm trying to be open minded about it." I suggested a few books and websites, offered to put her on my mailing list, and suggested she let me know if she wanted some coaching in navigating this unfamiliar territory. About two years later, Thelma sought help from a therapist.
Several years after that, Thelma looked me up again, asking what I thought about sex addiction. I responded that I was very disturbed by the presence of sex addiction in the polyamory community, saying that while most polyamorous people are not addicts, it was a significant problem and one that often came up for discussion in my workshops. Although I wish sex addiction was never an issue in polyamory, the truth is that polyamory does provide a convenient cover story for addicts who are generally in denial about having an addiction.
It's easy to justify sexual obsession by calling it polyamory. A handful of sex addicts can wreak havoc in a community, especially when people are still operating out of conditioning that forbids the sharing of "family secrets" out of misguided respect for confidentiality. Polyamory offers a venue in which sex addicts can begin at least to tell the truth about what they're doing instead of carrying on secret affairs. I prefer to put a positive spin on it by seeing that bringing their destructive, addictive behavior out into the open is the first step toward healing, but unfortunately it can get messy and hurtful for those who are hoping for love and instead find callousness.
I'm well aware that some people object to the whole concept of sex addiction, partly because the label is sometimes used inappropriately to condemn people who don't conform to sexually repressive social or cultural norms. However, if the polyamorous community insists on denying that sexual addiction exists, they end up reinforcing the erroneous view that all polyamory involves sex addiction by allowing sex addicts to masquerade as polyamorists.
After hearing my opinions, Thelma decided she'd like to tell me about her own experience. "I can well describe what it is like, how it feels to be the substance that a sex addict uses to engage in his addiction," she told me. For Thelma, the idea that she was attempting a polyamorous relationship that would involve a potentially painful confrontation with her own jealousy but would be well worth it in the end allowed her to be drawn into an abusive relationship. A man with more empathy and integrity would have either told her about his sexual activity with other women before she became so deeply involved or failing that, curtailed his sexual adventures until he had disengaged with her once it became apparent she was suffering so intensely. Here is her story in her own words.
"The relationship began with more hope than I had ever dared. Looking back, I can see now how frightened I really was. In hindsight, I can see scores of warning signs that I ignored, misinterpreted, reimagined to fit my high hopes that covered my desperation for enduring love. The external events and my reactions changed over the six years with this man. At first I reacted quickly; I was indignant, angry, fully expecting him to change his behavior. Surely I could show him these errors, and he would correct them. Right?
"I later changed to defensive behaviors. I lost myself utterly trying to maintain a relationship that was much more in my head than in my life. Every day was so full of hurt and despair and calculated prevention that there was precious little of myself left in everyday life. Finally, I devolved to a conviction that this misery, this unremitting effort with horrific results, was going to be my entire life.
"For years, his compulsive flirtations, the online pornography, the obsessive masturbation in the shower, the dates with other women when he was out of town, the secretive seductions and ongoing attempts to have other lovers, sometimes successful, the "friendships" with coworkers and business associates kept me off balance. I worked with every ounce of ability I possessed (or could borrow from others) to contain this behavior. I was so desperate for help maintaining my relationship, I compromised my friendships, my values, my integrity and ultimately any shreds of respect for myself.
Thelma's story is a story about a woman who knows very clearly that she wants monogamy but is so desperate for love that she tries to tolerate an inconsiderate, nonmonogamous partner, hoping she can somehow change him. Chances are she would not have gotten involved had she known he was unwilling to be monogamous, but by the time she found out, she was hooked.
Some individuals struggling with sex addiction behave more responsibly but still find healthy polyamorous relationships impossible. Alex is a handsome, charismatic man in his late forties who is a professional entertainer. His outgoing personality, sexy voice, and boyish charm make him a magnet for women. When he first heard about polyamory ten years ago, he was newly single and fascinated. But after almost losing his new partner, Dawn, he decided he'd better take another look at his motivations for choosing polyamory. Dawn, like Thelma, tried valiantly to accept Alex's desire for polyamory, but she heeded the red flags and the coaching I gave her to insist that Alex get his addictive behavior under control before agreeing to continue having an open relationship.
Alex recalls that "I immediately resonated with the concept of open, free sexual relationships that could foster deeper communication and intimacy. I felt so at home in the poly community, and for the first time, I didn't feel shame about desiring to love more than one. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had a huge need for the romantic intrigue associated with new relationships. It wasn't so much the sex, although that part was great, but the high of being newly in love that just took me over. I was able to hide behind polyamory when what I was mostly looking for was escape from feeling I wasn't enough. Once I started paying closer attention to what was going on inside me, I found out that as soon as I'd start feeling bad about myself, I'd drown my low self-esteem in a new infatuation.
"For me, the idea of polyamory makes sense and feels right since I'd rather face my jealousy than ******* my partner to be monogamous. Plus, I like the idea of sharing my love and sexuality with more than one lover. I have a lot to give, and giving it just feels good. Dawn feels the same way about sharing love but not about facing her jealousy. For her, sharing love is a choice, but for me there seems to more of an uncontrollable drive for the excitement and emotional and sexual juice. I realized that for me it was not a simple choice only after destroying over a dozen beautiful love relationships, a business partnership, and a teen ministry largely because of my ‘need' for poly freedom.
"When Dawn and I got together in 2000, we began to explore healthier, more conscious ways for me to get my poly desires met and not be addictive, inconsiderate, and compulsive. After over six years of emotional roller coasting, we both finally realized that I was not able to do poly in a healthy way since my addictive behaviors and emotional wounds always seemed to prevail. At that point, after an ultimatum from Dawn, I chose sobriety from poly life. Since then, the dramas have all but ceased along with all the shame that was associated with feeling out of control and hurting others. In addition, my relationship with Dawn has deepened and recently gotten even more sexual and passionate. I do crave new sexual experiences from time to time, and all I have to do is think of the pain, chaos, and drama, and I'm back to happy sobriety."
For Alex, polyamory did provide a context in which he was able to see that it was not so much the jealousy and possessiveness of his partner who was willing to selectively and responsibly include others into their intimacy, nor was it the judgments of society, which were essentially reversed in the polyamory community, that stood between him and his sexual freedom. Rather, he became aware for the first time that nonmonogamy was workable only if he could heal the childhood wounds that led him to compulsively lose control when he indulged in his "*******." When he wasn't "high" on "new relationship energy," Alex was an empathic and attentive partner. "It wasn't like I could just be satisfied with two or three women and settle down. There was never enough, and I was always tempted by the next one."
Alex's high-level communication skills, team spirit, and playful creativity made him a natural for polyamory, but his addictive behavior sabotaged him every time. Alex, like Thelma, finally joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Similarly to its sister Twelve Step groups, Alcoholics Anonymous and prohibited substances Anonymous, SLAA preaches abstinence (which in this case means monogamy rather than celibacy).
At one point, when Alex was having difficulty staying on the wagon, I suggested that it might be easier if he stayed out of "bars," but he and Dawn so enjoyed the relaxed openness of poly friendly venues and the deep friendships they'd established that they continued to gravitate toward this community and eventually succeeded in establishing better boundaries.
While I've seen too much evidence that sexual addiction is as real as any other addiction to deny its existence, I've also observed that those who are the quickest to point the finger at others often have a tendency toward sex addiction themselves. I usually tell people that if they must have an addiction, sex, along with meditation, hatha yoga, and jogging, are relatively healthy ones in which to indulge. Sex itself is good for you, and great sex is very good for you, but the more euphoric and ecstatic the experience, the more temptation there can be to sell one's soul to the devil.
For Tanya, the allure of mind-blowing sex capable of transporting her to other realms kept her involved in a polyamorous relationship in which she resented being "a secondary" with none of the privileges, power, or status of a "primary partner." Tanya is a mature, introspective woman in her early sixties. Her lover, Jerry, was in an open marriage when they met, and Tanya accepted this but objected to his spending every weekend with his wife, Sheila, because she "requires a sex partner every weekend, all weekend."
Tanya was in a quandary because "Jerry has a loving affectionate heart, is highly sexed, and is totally present for me when I'm with him. What happens between us in the bedroom is profound. He calls me often, tells me he loves me, brings me gifts, and is generally very accepting and easy to talk to, although certain subjects make him bristle. This is hands down the best relationship I've ever had. I'm really happy to have him in my life, but I guess I'm getting jealous."
Some months later, Tanya was devastated when Jerry began neglecting her for a new woman. "Is it really a reflection on my self-worth, value, and dignity if he jumps into bed with so many other women while professing so much love for me?" she wondered. "I can open my heart to loads of men, quite deeply, and yes, that often makes me drawn to them sexually, but I don't have to sleep with them all. Maybe I shouldn't be so fast to cast the first stone here; if the right person came along, I might want to do the same thing, but this is hurting me. He just left me in the dust when a new woman came along. He gave her more time than he ever gave me; he was thoughtless, almost cruel. And when she dumped him, he came back to me. I took a breather and then opened the door again. He has never apologized
So one article in the news doesn't make it true any less than it makes it false
What's the difference between healthy polyamory and sex addiction?
Posted Apr 11, 2011
Thelma first sought my advice on informational resources about polyamory because a year or so into their relationship, her boyfriend had come out to her as polyamorous, and she wanted to learn more about it. "I am not polyamorous," she told me. "I have enough difficulty with one relationship at a time, and I would go completely ******* in a number of simultaneous relationships. But I'm in love with him, and he wants polyamory, so I'm trying to be open minded about it." I suggested a few books and websites, offered to put her on my mailing list, and suggested she let me know if she wanted some coaching in navigating this unfamiliar territory. About two years later, Thelma sought help from a therapist.
Several years after that, Thelma looked me up again, asking what I thought about sex addiction. I responded that I was very disturbed by the presence of sex addiction in the polyamory community, saying that while most polyamorous people are not addicts, it was a significant problem and one that often came up for discussion in my workshops. Although I wish sex addiction was never an issue in polyamory, the truth is that polyamory does provide a convenient cover story for addicts who are generally in denial about having an addiction.
It's easy to justify sexual obsession by calling it polyamory. A handful of sex addicts can wreak havoc in a community, especially when people are still operating out of conditioning that forbids the sharing of "family secrets" out of misguided respect for confidentiality. Polyamory offers a venue in which sex addicts can begin at least to tell the truth about what they're doing instead of carrying on secret affairs. I prefer to put a positive spin on it by seeing that bringing their destructive, addictive behavior out into the open is the first step toward healing, but unfortunately it can get messy and hurtful for those who are hoping for love and instead find callousness.
I'm well aware that some people object to the whole concept of sex addiction, partly because the label is sometimes used inappropriately to condemn people who don't conform to sexually repressive social or cultural norms. However, if the polyamorous community insists on denying that sexual addiction exists, they end up reinforcing the erroneous view that all polyamory involves sex addiction by allowing sex addicts to masquerade as polyamorists.
After hearing my opinions, Thelma decided she'd like to tell me about her own experience. "I can well describe what it is like, how it feels to be the substance that a sex addict uses to engage in his addiction," she told me. For Thelma, the idea that she was attempting a polyamorous relationship that would involve a potentially painful confrontation with her own jealousy but would be well worth it in the end allowed her to be drawn into an abusive relationship. A man with more empathy and integrity would have either told her about his sexual activity with other women before she became so deeply involved or failing that, curtailed his sexual adventures until he had disengaged with her once it became apparent she was suffering so intensely. Here is her story in her own words.
"The relationship began with more hope than I had ever dared. Looking back, I can see now how frightened I really was. In hindsight, I can see scores of warning signs that I ignored, misinterpreted, reimagined to fit my high hopes that covered my desperation for enduring love. The external events and my reactions changed over the six years with this man. At first I reacted quickly; I was indignant, angry, fully expecting him to change his behavior. Surely I could show him these errors, and he would correct them. Right?
"I later changed to defensive behaviors. I lost myself utterly trying to maintain a relationship that was much more in my head than in my life. Every day was so full of hurt and despair and calculated prevention that there was precious little of myself left in everyday life. Finally, I devolved to a conviction that this misery, this unremitting effort with horrific results, was going to be my entire life.
"For years, his compulsive flirtations, the online pornography, the obsessive masturbation in the shower, the dates with other women when he was out of town, the secretive seductions and ongoing attempts to have other lovers, sometimes successful, the "friendships" with coworkers and business associates kept me off balance. I worked with every ounce of ability I possessed (or could borrow from others) to contain this behavior. I was so desperate for help maintaining my relationship, I compromised my friendships, my values, my integrity and ultimately any shreds of respect for myself.
Thelma's story is a story about a woman who knows very clearly that she wants monogamy but is so desperate for love that she tries to tolerate an inconsiderate, nonmonogamous partner, hoping she can somehow change him. Chances are she would not have gotten involved had she known he was unwilling to be monogamous, but by the time she found out, she was hooked.
Some individuals struggling with sex addiction behave more responsibly but still find healthy polyamorous relationships impossible. Alex is a handsome, charismatic man in his late forties who is a professional entertainer. His outgoing personality, sexy voice, and boyish charm make him a magnet for women. When he first heard about polyamory ten years ago, he was newly single and fascinated. But after almost losing his new partner, Dawn, he decided he'd better take another look at his motivations for choosing polyamory. Dawn, like Thelma, tried valiantly to accept Alex's desire for polyamory, but she heeded the red flags and the coaching I gave her to insist that Alex get his addictive behavior under control before agreeing to continue having an open relationship.
Alex recalls that "I immediately resonated with the concept of open, free sexual relationships that could foster deeper communication and intimacy. I felt so at home in the poly community, and for the first time, I didn't feel shame about desiring to love more than one. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had a huge need for the romantic intrigue associated with new relationships. It wasn't so much the sex, although that part was great, but the high of being newly in love that just took me over. I was able to hide behind polyamory when what I was mostly looking for was escape from feeling I wasn't enough. Once I started paying closer attention to what was going on inside me, I found out that as soon as I'd start feeling bad about myself, I'd drown my low self-esteem in a new infatuation.
"For me, the idea of polyamory makes sense and feels right since I'd rather face my jealousy than ******* my partner to be monogamous. Plus, I like the idea of sharing my love and sexuality with more than one lover. I have a lot to give, and giving it just feels good. Dawn feels the same way about sharing love but not about facing her jealousy. For her, sharing love is a choice, but for me there seems to more of an uncontrollable drive for the excitement and emotional and sexual juice. I realized that for me it was not a simple choice only after destroying over a dozen beautiful love relationships, a business partnership, and a teen ministry largely because of my ‘need' for poly freedom.
"When Dawn and I got together in 2000, we began to explore healthier, more conscious ways for me to get my poly desires met and not be addictive, inconsiderate, and compulsive. After over six years of emotional roller coasting, we both finally realized that I was not able to do poly in a healthy way since my addictive behaviors and emotional wounds always seemed to prevail. At that point, after an ultimatum from Dawn, I chose sobriety from poly life. Since then, the dramas have all but ceased along with all the shame that was associated with feeling out of control and hurting others. In addition, my relationship with Dawn has deepened and recently gotten even more sexual and passionate. I do crave new sexual experiences from time to time, and all I have to do is think of the pain, chaos, and drama, and I'm back to happy sobriety."
For Alex, polyamory did provide a context in which he was able to see that it was not so much the jealousy and possessiveness of his partner who was willing to selectively and responsibly include others into their intimacy, nor was it the judgments of society, which were essentially reversed in the polyamory community, that stood between him and his sexual freedom. Rather, he became aware for the first time that nonmonogamy was workable only if he could heal the childhood wounds that led him to compulsively lose control when he indulged in his "*******." When he wasn't "high" on "new relationship energy," Alex was an empathic and attentive partner. "It wasn't like I could just be satisfied with two or three women and settle down. There was never enough, and I was always tempted by the next one."
Alex's high-level communication skills, team spirit, and playful creativity made him a natural for polyamory, but his addictive behavior sabotaged him every time. Alex, like Thelma, finally joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Similarly to its sister Twelve Step groups, Alcoholics Anonymous and prohibited substances Anonymous, SLAA preaches abstinence (which in this case means monogamy rather than celibacy).
At one point, when Alex was having difficulty staying on the wagon, I suggested that it might be easier if he stayed out of "bars," but he and Dawn so enjoyed the relaxed openness of poly friendly venues and the deep friendships they'd established that they continued to gravitate toward this community and eventually succeeded in establishing better boundaries.
While I've seen too much evidence that sexual addiction is as real as any other addiction to deny its existence, I've also observed that those who are the quickest to point the finger at others often have a tendency toward sex addiction themselves. I usually tell people that if they must have an addiction, sex, along with meditation, hatha yoga, and jogging, are relatively healthy ones in which to indulge. Sex itself is good for you, and great sex is very good for you, but the more euphoric and ecstatic the experience, the more temptation there can be to sell one's soul to the devil.
For Tanya, the allure of mind-blowing sex capable of transporting her to other realms kept her involved in a polyamorous relationship in which she resented being "a secondary" with none of the privileges, power, or status of a "primary partner." Tanya is a mature, introspective woman in her early sixties. Her lover, Jerry, was in an open marriage when they met, and Tanya accepted this but objected to his spending every weekend with his wife, Sheila, because she "requires a sex partner every weekend, all weekend."
Tanya was in a quandary because "Jerry has a loving affectionate heart, is highly sexed, and is totally present for me when I'm with him. What happens between us in the bedroom is profound. He calls me often, tells me he loves me, brings me gifts, and is generally very accepting and easy to talk to, although certain subjects make him bristle. This is hands down the best relationship I've ever had. I'm really happy to have him in my life, but I guess I'm getting jealous."
Some months later, Tanya was devastated when Jerry began neglecting her for a new woman. "Is it really a reflection on my self-worth, value, and dignity if he jumps into bed with so many other women while professing so much love for me?" she wondered. "I can open my heart to loads of men, quite deeply, and yes, that often makes me drawn to them sexually, but I don't have to sleep with them all. Maybe I shouldn't be so fast to cast the first stone here; if the right person came along, I might want to do the same thing, but this is hurting me. He just left me in the dust when a new woman came along. He gave her more time than he ever gave me; he was thoughtless, almost cruel. And when she dumped him, he came back to me. I took a breather and then opened the door again. He has never apologized
So one article in the news doesn't make it true any less than it makes it false
My wife is very similar...shy in social settings but wild with sex. I am a sexually very submissive cuckold serving her and all the men, but in all other aspects I am a take-charge person. For us, sex play is an escape from our regular world of responsibility.
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