My husband and I have found the pursuit of cuckoldry, and interracial dating to be a great path to self knowledge and deep intimacy for us. Here is what I think it takes:
My husband and I noticed early on in our relationship that pursuing a kink can be a magnificent personal growth tool and a definite way to evolve a relationship.
I knew I wanted a cuck male when I was single, advertised for one, and voila! I found my dear husband, and it's been quite a ride. Not without conflict and difficulty, but 7 years in, we are happier than we've ever been. So how did we get here?
Have you noticed how easy it is to get distracted by the wrong things? I'm not talking about checking social media when you need to meet an obligation at work. I'm talking about putting effort into something that may be desired, but it is wrong for where you're at in life. The thing that lets you feel like you are making progress but gets you nowhere.
I recently heard the phrase "achieving failure." It's often used in business activities to describe successfully executing a plan that goes nowhere. For example: Imagine you build the world's best "gizmo." The thing is beautifully designed. Your invention works precisely as advertised, but no one buys it when you put it on the market. Not because it isn't a tremendous "gizmo" but because you forgot to figure out if anyone wanted the stupid thing in the first place.
The same phenomenon happens when we talk about dating. Making an effort to get out of the house and meet new people is a vital step towards finding a partner. It gives you a feeling of progress, and rightly so. But, if you haven't laid the necessary foundation, and if you don't even know what you're looking for, you're wasting your time. This has been particularly hard in the age of Covid, and all of us are trying to re-construct our personal lives and relationships.
A relationship is healthy when both people (or all three people) are getting their needs met. Of course, we also have "wants." But the first step is to determine if you and a potential partner are compatible. You can do this by answering three critical questions. This is how I coach my clients to gain self-awareness sufficient to find a kinky partner. I advise you to journal...write out your answers. I find this is much more helpful than a quick answer.
Three Key Questions for You and Your Prospective Kinky Partner
What am I looking for?
Who am I?
What am I offering?
Wait! No kink questions?
These most essential questions are about compatibility. The truth is, there is more to compatibility than a common interest in a particular kink.
One of the most discouraging dating experiences… is meeting someone whose interest in kink is deeply compatible with yours but with whom you have little emotional rapport. For example, suppose you are not "in tune" with each other, and all you have in common is a compatible interest in SM. In that case, you may be in for a painful, frustrating, and probably short time together.
This approach takes some discipline. This is how I do it: When talking with a prospective new partner, I tend to get all wrapped up in discussing how much I like a particular sexual or kink activity. But this discussion will not tell you if you are compatible. Spend your early conversations on those three questions. You will be much more efficient and accurate in finding someone you are actually compatible with sexually and emotionally.
This is true even if you are looking just for a "play" partner. All humans need a sense of compatibility beyond just their genitals. At the most basic level, do you share values? Is your communication open, honest, and straightforward? Without that, it's challenging to traverse kink complexities.
Who am I?
Knowing who YOU are is the most crucial step before even looking for a partner. I strongly suggest writing down your answer and keep writing until you feel you've captured your essence carefully. Then share this with your partner, and talk about it.
Start With "Not Sexy" Questions
*What are my ethics and morals in dealing with other people?
*What do I consider attractive physically?
*What are my views on politics and religion? How important is it to share similar views with a partner?
* Given my current stage of life, what am I open to right now? Casual or long-term? Exclusive or open?
* What kind of activities (outside of sex) could we enjoy together?
If you answer these questions and your partner does too, and you can share what you find, then you can move to "sexier questions."
Sexy Questions:
* What kinds of sexual activities am I interested in?
*What are my feelings about power exchange, and how important is it?
*What are my hard limits or boundaries?
* How much sex do I need to be fulfilled?
* How much TIME with a lover do I need to be satisfied?
I suggest if you have not had experience with kink (and mainly power exchange,) watch some videos or read about it, or perhaps go to a club and with. Then, try it on "mentally" first and openly discuss what you notice.
If you neglect this careful thought, you will find nothing but disappointment and frustration in your search.
Once you have answered this first tier of questions, you are ready to tackle the next one. What do you most want, and precisely what are you offering in return?
A quick story to illustrate how vital the question about what you are offering is.
My cuck husband connected with a bull that lived in another State. He mentioned him to me, with the disclaimer, "he's not right for us as he doesn't live here and he's married." Deal breaker, right? Here is what is surprising.
He encouraged me to just talk to him because he was also thoughtful, intelligent and engaging in every way. I did. We started texting/calling or zoom meeting every day. I found myself so enamored of him...and it was purely mental/emotional/intellectual. Finally, we made plans to meet. We flew to his city, spent the weekend with him, and literally had the most joyous, fabulous, sexy, beautiful experience we'd ever had. It had become clear that this lover and I had fallen in love, and my husband loved him (and vice versa) in a platonic way, just as much.
So I found myself adjusting to the situation. Of course, I did not like that he was so far away and married. But he was so right, personally.
The next trip, he came to us after finding a board position here that would give him an excuse to visit regularly. Perfect, right? I thought we had found our dream partner. But when he saw us for three days, other than sleeping with me at night, he was gone doing business. So I had a total of about 3 hours for the 3 days I thought I'd have. That was the end of it. No matter how delicious someone is, at the very least, they have to want to invest time and effort with me as much as I do with them.
This is why it is so important to define your expectations in some detail with a prospective partner. At the end of the day, your agreements need to be FAIR. I do not regret the time we spent with him. But it broke my heart, and his, I suspect, in the end.
Fairness is a big deal. If everyone in the group is happy and satisfied with your agreements, then you are on your way to a great experience. On the other hand, if the agreements are inherently unfair, you will lose. Unequal, unfair agreements are never sustainable.
Here is how to break down what you want and what you are offering:
First, write down the current types of relationships that you are open to. Next, list the most important things to obtain and what you are willing to offer in return for each kind of relationship. This list should define the time, sexual activity, finances, and power exchange you desire and offer.
Now review your partner's list. Is the "want" column vs. the "offer" column sincerely unbalanced? Is this a relationship you would pursue if you were on the other end? Do you get embarrassed by explaining what you want and what you offer to a partner? If you do, that means what you are looking for is likely unfair.
Your task then is to give some deep thought to whether or not you can make your arrangement fairer without compromising your values or your needs. This is crucial and not to be missed.
It's easy to write a massive list of preferences that a potential partner must meet before you consider dating them. But that's a great way to become lonely, horny, frustrated, and cynical. When I first started, I was tempted to find someone I could connect to in every area of life. Instead, it took us from just casual threesome to polyamory. Our pendulum has swung back to the middle now, and I'm not expecting nearly as much as I would if our partner was poly.
We must realize that people are not items we can just customize and order up. There isn't anybody that will meet all your needs and desires. Putting everyone off to wait for some "perfect person" will cause you to miss meaningful opportunities for happy and healthy relationships.
Having been a financial specialist for most of my life, I used to use a technique similar to this for helping people have a healthier relationship with their money. On another list, what you absolutely MUST have in one column, and what you DESIRE in another column. This is classic needs vs. wants. The object here is to get the things in your "needs" column, and you'll need to compromise some things on your "wants" column.
All relationships work best when all people involved get more out of being together than being apart and when they get their needs, and some of their wants met a good deal of the time. In simpler terms, the benefits must outweigh the costs.
For this to work, communicate it carefully to both partner and prospective partner; you are in an excellent position to "go for it" and likely have a good chance of success.
If you find trouble answering these questions, you may not be ready and would do better to keep looking into yourself for the answers. The expectation that a partner is going to just "give" you what you need is folly. It's your job to excavate it and communicate it.
.
We are very happily married and have done a lot of "inner" work over the years. It has created a profound intimacy, and we are still defining what we want and need every day.
Trying to pretend you are something you are unsure about (or even what you fantasize about) won't work. You can still experiment with things but keep a check on your expectations.
In Conclusion
You've read the process and done the worksheets. As a result, you are comfortable with the answers you came up with. You have defined the parameters of the person and the kind of relationship you want, and they have done the same.
So get out of the house and go find your kinky partner! You will know yourself better and have more fulfilling relationships than you ever imagined possible.
www.crystalwelch.com
My husband and I noticed early on in our relationship that pursuing a kink can be a magnificent personal growth tool and a definite way to evolve a relationship.
I knew I wanted a cuck male when I was single, advertised for one, and voila! I found my dear husband, and it's been quite a ride. Not without conflict and difficulty, but 7 years in, we are happier than we've ever been. So how did we get here?
Have you noticed how easy it is to get distracted by the wrong things? I'm not talking about checking social media when you need to meet an obligation at work. I'm talking about putting effort into something that may be desired, but it is wrong for where you're at in life. The thing that lets you feel like you are making progress but gets you nowhere.
I recently heard the phrase "achieving failure." It's often used in business activities to describe successfully executing a plan that goes nowhere. For example: Imagine you build the world's best "gizmo." The thing is beautifully designed. Your invention works precisely as advertised, but no one buys it when you put it on the market. Not because it isn't a tremendous "gizmo" but because you forgot to figure out if anyone wanted the stupid thing in the first place.
The same phenomenon happens when we talk about dating. Making an effort to get out of the house and meet new people is a vital step towards finding a partner. It gives you a feeling of progress, and rightly so. But, if you haven't laid the necessary foundation, and if you don't even know what you're looking for, you're wasting your time. This has been particularly hard in the age of Covid, and all of us are trying to re-construct our personal lives and relationships.
A relationship is healthy when both people (or all three people) are getting their needs met. Of course, we also have "wants." But the first step is to determine if you and a potential partner are compatible. You can do this by answering three critical questions. This is how I coach my clients to gain self-awareness sufficient to find a kinky partner. I advise you to journal...write out your answers. I find this is much more helpful than a quick answer.
Three Key Questions for You and Your Prospective Kinky Partner
What am I looking for?
Who am I?
What am I offering?
Wait! No kink questions?
These most essential questions are about compatibility. The truth is, there is more to compatibility than a common interest in a particular kink.
One of the most discouraging dating experiences… is meeting someone whose interest in kink is deeply compatible with yours but with whom you have little emotional rapport. For example, suppose you are not "in tune" with each other, and all you have in common is a compatible interest in SM. In that case, you may be in for a painful, frustrating, and probably short time together.
This approach takes some discipline. This is how I do it: When talking with a prospective new partner, I tend to get all wrapped up in discussing how much I like a particular sexual or kink activity. But this discussion will not tell you if you are compatible. Spend your early conversations on those three questions. You will be much more efficient and accurate in finding someone you are actually compatible with sexually and emotionally.
This is true even if you are looking just for a "play" partner. All humans need a sense of compatibility beyond just their genitals. At the most basic level, do you share values? Is your communication open, honest, and straightforward? Without that, it's challenging to traverse kink complexities.
Who am I?
Knowing who YOU are is the most crucial step before even looking for a partner. I strongly suggest writing down your answer and keep writing until you feel you've captured your essence carefully. Then share this with your partner, and talk about it.
Start With "Not Sexy" Questions
*What are my ethics and morals in dealing with other people?
*What do I consider attractive physically?
*What are my views on politics and religion? How important is it to share similar views with a partner?
* Given my current stage of life, what am I open to right now? Casual or long-term? Exclusive or open?
* What kind of activities (outside of sex) could we enjoy together?
If you answer these questions and your partner does too, and you can share what you find, then you can move to "sexier questions."
Sexy Questions:
* What kinds of sexual activities am I interested in?
*What are my feelings about power exchange, and how important is it?
*What are my hard limits or boundaries?
* How much sex do I need to be fulfilled?
* How much TIME with a lover do I need to be satisfied?
I suggest if you have not had experience with kink (and mainly power exchange,) watch some videos or read about it, or perhaps go to a club and with. Then, try it on "mentally" first and openly discuss what you notice.
If you neglect this careful thought, you will find nothing but disappointment and frustration in your search.
Once you have answered this first tier of questions, you are ready to tackle the next one. What do you most want, and precisely what are you offering in return?
A quick story to illustrate how vital the question about what you are offering is.
My cuck husband connected with a bull that lived in another State. He mentioned him to me, with the disclaimer, "he's not right for us as he doesn't live here and he's married." Deal breaker, right? Here is what is surprising.
He encouraged me to just talk to him because he was also thoughtful, intelligent and engaging in every way. I did. We started texting/calling or zoom meeting every day. I found myself so enamored of him...and it was purely mental/emotional/intellectual. Finally, we made plans to meet. We flew to his city, spent the weekend with him, and literally had the most joyous, fabulous, sexy, beautiful experience we'd ever had. It had become clear that this lover and I had fallen in love, and my husband loved him (and vice versa) in a platonic way, just as much.
So I found myself adjusting to the situation. Of course, I did not like that he was so far away and married. But he was so right, personally.
The next trip, he came to us after finding a board position here that would give him an excuse to visit regularly. Perfect, right? I thought we had found our dream partner. But when he saw us for three days, other than sleeping with me at night, he was gone doing business. So I had a total of about 3 hours for the 3 days I thought I'd have. That was the end of it. No matter how delicious someone is, at the very least, they have to want to invest time and effort with me as much as I do with them.
This is why it is so important to define your expectations in some detail with a prospective partner. At the end of the day, your agreements need to be FAIR. I do not regret the time we spent with him. But it broke my heart, and his, I suspect, in the end.
Fairness is a big deal. If everyone in the group is happy and satisfied with your agreements, then you are on your way to a great experience. On the other hand, if the agreements are inherently unfair, you will lose. Unequal, unfair agreements are never sustainable.
Here is how to break down what you want and what you are offering:
First, write down the current types of relationships that you are open to. Next, list the most important things to obtain and what you are willing to offer in return for each kind of relationship. This list should define the time, sexual activity, finances, and power exchange you desire and offer.
Now review your partner's list. Is the "want" column vs. the "offer" column sincerely unbalanced? Is this a relationship you would pursue if you were on the other end? Do you get embarrassed by explaining what you want and what you offer to a partner? If you do, that means what you are looking for is likely unfair.
Your task then is to give some deep thought to whether or not you can make your arrangement fairer without compromising your values or your needs. This is crucial and not to be missed.
It's easy to write a massive list of preferences that a potential partner must meet before you consider dating them. But that's a great way to become lonely, horny, frustrated, and cynical. When I first started, I was tempted to find someone I could connect to in every area of life. Instead, it took us from just casual threesome to polyamory. Our pendulum has swung back to the middle now, and I'm not expecting nearly as much as I would if our partner was poly.
We must realize that people are not items we can just customize and order up. There isn't anybody that will meet all your needs and desires. Putting everyone off to wait for some "perfect person" will cause you to miss meaningful opportunities for happy and healthy relationships.
Having been a financial specialist for most of my life, I used to use a technique similar to this for helping people have a healthier relationship with their money. On another list, what you absolutely MUST have in one column, and what you DESIRE in another column. This is classic needs vs. wants. The object here is to get the things in your "needs" column, and you'll need to compromise some things on your "wants" column.
All relationships work best when all people involved get more out of being together than being apart and when they get their needs, and some of their wants met a good deal of the time. In simpler terms, the benefits must outweigh the costs.
For this to work, communicate it carefully to both partner and prospective partner; you are in an excellent position to "go for it" and likely have a good chance of success.
If you find trouble answering these questions, you may not be ready and would do better to keep looking into yourself for the answers. The expectation that a partner is going to just "give" you what you need is folly. It's your job to excavate it and communicate it.
.
We are very happily married and have done a lot of "inner" work over the years. It has created a profound intimacy, and we are still defining what we want and need every day.
Trying to pretend you are something you are unsure about (or even what you fantasize about) won't work. You can still experiment with things but keep a check on your expectations.
In Conclusion
You've read the process and done the worksheets. As a result, you are comfortable with the answers you came up with. You have defined the parameters of the person and the kind of relationship you want, and they have done the same.
So get out of the house and go find your kinky partner! You will know yourself better and have more fulfilling relationships than you ever imagined possible.
ARE YOU SELF-AWARE ENOUGH TO FIND YOUR DREAM KINK PARTNER? — Crystal Welch 21st Century Love
My husband and I noticed early on in our relationship that pursuing a kink can be a magnificent personal growth tool and a definite way to evolve a relationship. I knew I wanted a cuck male when I was single, advertised for one, and voila! I found my dear husband, and it's been quite a ride. Not
www.crystalwelch.com
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